Friday, November 20, 2009

Confessions

I don't know what we have, but I know it's different...

I wish I had a dollar for every time I've wanted to whisper something in your ear, or stop scratching your back and just say it. It all began that first night at your apartment (well years before that really but you and I both know that) with the other boys passed out in your living room...you sleeping (snoring lol) while I laid awake next to you all night, blaming my insomnia. It wasn't insomnia. It was me setting limits for myself...saying "ok at 1:40 I'm gonna say it, no more waiting" then "ok at 3:45 I'll say it", and so on. Not knowing what I was going to say, but knowing I was bursting at the seams to say something.

Things aren't so different now. The last time we "talked" it took me hours to accomplish (the same setting time limits scenario played out), and days mentally to prepare. I wrote a script (which of course I didn't follow at all), rehearsed what I would say, and tried to anticipate the worst. When I finally got up the nerve to just say "hey" it was harder than I think you'll ever understand. Don't get me wrong, you're easy to talk to, I'm just very careful what I say around you because I truly care what you think. I present myself as confident and independent, but sometimes I'm unsure and a little scared. Scared you won't ever be ready, or (and this is much worse to me) will be ready to a greater degree than i can ever imagine, and with someone you just met.

I also understand why you're hesitant to get involved with me. I'm "far" away and have always had a certain someone in the background. Well that someone situation has been resolved and the distance is small enough to keep things interesting, fun, and new between us (or at least I think so). We both really like alone time and could benefit from the distance in that sense. I also love how much our mutual friends are endorsing it this time. I think they are finally ready to see you and I happy with someone, and believe maybe we could be that for each other.

I just really wish I could be the girl you let in. I could be the girl you finally give a chance to. I'm trying very hard to be patient, and obviously will continue to since I care enough to write this (and always seem to end up back involved with you somehow). Just know sometimes it isn't easy, but I'm here. This time has already been a lot different (in a good sense) and I just hope it keeps getting better from here.

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